I hate the ‘Ghallywood and Kumawood’ coinage but alas I have to use it because that is the names we’ve been christened with by I don’t know who. Since you’re yearning to be a film maker, you have no choice than to use that name, so keep that in mind. Either you’re moving the ‘brofo’ or ‘Twi’ way.

The first thing is to get a good script – good from whichever angle you want to look at it. This is where a successful Ghallywood or Kumawood movie will begin and end so pay attention.

You don’t need any intelligent, mind boggling plots and a director who has passion for his/her works (we’re not Quentin Tarrantino-ing anything here). Remember, it the cash you’re after not the satisfaction of your consumers or building any movie industry. The easier the better… Remember that your audience doesn’t care about twists or multi layered conflict.

If you dare depict the beautiful cities of Ghana in your locations or show how a proper family setting should be like – your movie will be tagged as ‘not Ghanaian enough’, so don’t really go close to how a proper movie should be like. Just let your audience know that we live in filth and all families in Ghana are dysfunctional.

**I will not advise you to take the Ghallywood way if you want to recoup your capital and profit ASAP but as a film maker it’s better to test both waters and see what will work best for you.**

Going the ‘Ghallywood’ way

Your cast should include one famous face (preferably the lead actor/actress) and then fair coloured faces. If you’ve been dreaming about a particular actor/actress and you cannot yet afford their services – take a trip down Google images and use their face on your poster and DVD/CD. That alone will pull in sales no matter how crappy the movie is.

Don’t worry, when the poor consumer realises the scam, he/she cannot retrieve her money back. Who is she going to ask anyway? The only thing she’ll do is to blacklist you until your next blockbuster movie is released. By then you have already been forgiven.

Now maybe you want to give your unsophisticated audience some action. Do a court scene. Create a case between the MP and an ordinary person seeking justice. After all who wants to know what our legal system really is like? Dress the female lawyers in male lawyer’s clothes.

There must be no mention of complex things like affidavits, motions or written arguments, ‘court rise’ and ‘order in court’ will do. Everything must be argued orally and lawyers must shout at the top of their voices and be angry with each other. It is not important to do any research for legal terminologies. Just let it have a lot of action and shouting. Perfect!

When it comes to English movies, just put all the ingredients into a blender and mix together. Bingo, you’re done. Spice it up with that nice guy or girl who just came back from America with a horrible accent to prove to Ghanaians that you’re a sophisticated film maker. Don’t forget the sex scenes, nothing sells better than sex. Even though we’ll openly condemn it, we’ll still buy the movie because you know Ghanaians – hypocrisy is our middle name.

Going the ‘Kumawood’ way    

From the beginning, it is important to let the audience know how the movie is going to end or give them a fair idea of it. You know Ghanaians are lazy when it comes to thinking. The intellect is there but we’re just too lazy to make use of it. Don’t be ‘too known’ to create any suspense.

So it is advisable to sometimes use the soundtrack to do this where the movie is summarised in the song. There really should be ‘atanfo’ (enemy) and ‘Nyame’ (God) in the song. Two ingredients must never be missing in action, the insults and a ‘bit’ of fooling around.

If a person is wicked, let them be wicked from the get go and let the audience just wait for when the wicked person will be exposed. Don’t forget Apostle Prah – he is always the mediator between man and God. If the person is a child of God let them be so from the beginning perhaps with many tests to his/her faith.

Casting: Cannot afford Agya Koo? Kojo Nkansah (Lil Wayne) is equally good. Remember he is the latest hot and sexy actor all the Kumasi girls are dying for. Some have even threatened to commit suicide if he doesn’t accept their proposal so he is the best bet now.

Never give Kyeiwaa any serious character because she will turn anything to comedy even if the character does not call for comics. The bayie part is meant purposely for her. In short, there is no versatility with the Twi actors/actresses so each his/her own.

Let a scene run for 10 or more minutes, your customers will be glad especially the ones with weak bladder- they can use the loo or even pop out to buy waakye and not miss a thing. Why? Because they left when a hubby and wife were throwing insults at each other and still at it when they come back.

Now chop your single movie up into three. Call it Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 respectively. This is the only way to recover costs. To inform the general public (or your hand-picked audience) about your latest release, just employ a man with a ‘quarrelsome voice’ or one who sounds like a football commentator to be the voice behind the adverts.

Just shout ‘Bayie part one and two’ (screaming the part 1and 2 with a swaggg) and your marketing is done. Don’t bother about the rest like marketing and sales, Opera Square, Kejetia and Bantama will sort that part out for you. Don’t even ‘dream’ cinema – We cannot boast of any, the churches have been smart enough to grab all the available spaces.

Throughout your journey of making the movie; keep one thing in mind: Ghanaians love mediocrity, a crap movie is nice; a good enough movie is a blockbuster. Don’t worry about the media complaining – remember they just bark and bark but don’t bite. If you don’t believe me – ask Safo!

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