Too often, people blame ‘incompatibility’ when their marriages hit rock bottom. When they split up, they often attribute it to the incompatibility being too overwhelming. But they become overwhelmed by their differences, not just because they have them, but because they never learned to manage them constructively or were/are not ready or refusal to accept their individuality which initially was cool.

Differences aren’t so ‘conflictual’ in the early stages of relationships so they don’t pay that much attention to them. They focus more on similarities, as they are absorbed in getting to know each other. They are very excited and enthralled by their similarities more than their differences, as well as what they may share in common or ‘values’.

Truth of the matter is, sometimes, they don’t actually share the other persons likes but ‘buy into their ideals and ways’ to ‘earn’ the much needed relationship with them, forgetting that what we manipulate to get is very difficult to hold on to.

People say opposites attract – but some people after marriage tries to mould the other after their own likeness and into their own image. Differences can be very interesting and stimulating in a partner. We often seek partners who can complement our style with some of their strengths. The socially active partner brings something valuable to a relationship with the partner whose interests are more domestic, and vice versa. Taking that ‘potential and spice’ out of the person is a recipe for disaster.

When two people are on a journey, one is usually reasonably ‘normal’ than the other (the question is what is even normal?), have more insight and may be willing to take risks whilst the other will be careful in every area of life.

If both of them are ‘normal’ – who corrects the mistakes of the other when poor decisions are being taken? What one must avoid is becoming stuck in trying to convert the other to adopt their viewpoint. No two people can be equally ‘like-minded’ – it’s a farce!

But then, after ‘courting’ and ‘fianceeing’ forever, they scream ‘irreconcilable differences’ and the differences were there right from the onset but they never explored their expectations and differences in order to adopt strategies to accommodate them. You study people and learn to live with them if you want to be with them.

Couples who understand and accept their differences fare better. They have more realistic expectations and know what they are signing on for – facing reality instead of fighting it.