People make resolutions every year which I don’t see the need because their resolutions are not ‘real’ enough. There’s one resolution which can be achieved year after year without making another every year – ‘making big money’. Contentment is what is preached in the church but how can we be content if we’ve not made it big – yet? After much observations and ‘small thinking’, I have come up with the best way of making big money this year

Establish a church: You don’t need to be called. Just start with 3 ‘highly religious’ women and leave the rest to them. Don’t worry if you don’t know the bible too well. Trust me; some people believe Habakkuk is in the New Testament. Make sure you can recite Malachi 3:16 in your dreams. That passage must never depart from your mouth.

Prophesies should be your watchword because it sells more than teaching. Who has time to listen to motivational and inspirational messages when he/she has got too many enemies waiting for their downfall? Keep them on their toes with doomsday prophecies and throw in the usual deliverance and watch night services. If you don’t know how to commit to a job – you better learn because you’re going to get the occasional church members calling you to ask if they should drink ‘pure water’. Learn to be patient with them because they are actually your paymasters.

Go back to your first career choice when you were in school (ladies): Majority if not all women dreamt of marrying a rich man. If your job is not paying well, go back to your first career choice – grabbing your prince charming who will give you the good life. Some rich men have more than enough money to spend and they are looking for that special woman to spend the money on. Make sure you’re the ‘one’ and shower him with plenty love – keep telling him you love him and how you can’t live without him and the cheques will keep coming. Once you get hitched; you’re in paradise girl. You won’t need to lift a finger to work again.

*If you reside in the UK, this may not work because the ‘rich men’ in the country do not possess the kind of riches I’m talking about. If they buy you a plate of food for £20, they’ll rub it in your face so please relocate if you really want to make it big. Go to where the politicians and entrepreneurs are.*

Open an NGO or be an ambassador for one: Some white folks are very sympathetic when it comes to diseases, sicknesses and abuse of homosexuals in Africa. Opening an NGO is simple, but quite tricky. You need to have evidence of all your projects, so invest in a good camcorder and befriend people in government agencies who are thirsty for wealth as yourself.

Know the agencies which give big monies and start from there. You can even buy HIV or homosexuality for yourself and bang – you’ve made it. NGO’s are good but if you don’t know how to pretend, it’ll go against you. You have to pretend you are saving the world. You have to love people with alternative sexuality.

Be a politician or suck up to one: It’s a good way to make money but then, it’s not easy to find your grounds so befriend the party in power if you don’t even like them. Show your loyalty by fighting for them. Make a lot of noise for them, you will easily get a political appointment and you’re on your way to riches. You really need to be trustworthy to follow this route.

This may be illegal but if you’re a daredevil – Be a courier of you know what:  Don’t be greedy. Start off with a small quantity to test the waters. If you master the art of bravery, you increase the size. I can tell you for a fact that you’ll make money and lots of it. Learn how to be smart and you’ll need some big men in power for backup.

Commandments guiding the money making process

• Thou shalt not call my name when caught
• Thou shalt hire a lawyer in case of emergencies
• Know the size, height and weight of your rival if the rich man you intend marrying has a wife. If you can’t handle her, I implore you to look for another man. You don’t want to end up in hospital in your quest to make money
• Thou shalt inform me if it works so I can also make money – that should be your tithe for making money

Don’t forget to flaunt your money on social media when you start rolling in cash. You need to announce for all to know how your hard work paid off! If you don’t make the big money this year, don’t worry. Life is full of ups and downs. Ask the billionaires who started from scratch; they fell and rose again – so keep trying