Dear GC,
I started dating my boyfriend 6 months ago when we met at a mutual friend’s house warming party. I liked him because he made me laugh and seemed so cool and laid back in nature.
The problem is I’ve come to realise is that, he takes this type of attitude with most important issues in his life. I do quite well as an accountant but he is a struggling journalist.
He does some freelance work but he is mostly out of work and when I make suggestions about moving into other areas of work to make money or how to make contacts, he gets pissed at me and shouts at me saying I don’t understand.
I really love him and want to help but recently I feel like he resents me for doing well. I recently got a promotion at work and a pay rise and he of course was the first person I told.
I was not expecting a boat party but at least thought he would be glad as he knows how hard I worked and the late nights I spent towards getting an interview for the promotion.
All he said was well done but he hopes that does not mean he will see me less. I was so angry and upset because it seemed he was just thinking about how it affected him.
I tried to brush his comment aside and thought going out for dinner to celebrate would be nice. I made the massive mistake of offering to pay. I just thought I can’t beg him to take me and I know he is a bit ‘skint’ as he isn’t writing much at the moment.
I just feel like he is punishing me for being successful. I just wonder if this relationship can really work if this is how it is going to be! I do really love him and he has said he loves me but I’m worried that I will fall for him even more and my life will be unbearable if he never gets a better job or I get more promotions.
How can someone say they love you then be so dismissive of your achievements?
Worried lady, Gina
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Dear Gina,
I’m getting the feeling that you have not been introduced to the workings of the fragile male ego. It sounds like from what you are saying you are doing your best to support and encourage him to pursue his dreams.
Your man will not see it this way; he may feel you are nagging, making him feel useless like he does not know what he needs to do to become a successful journalist.
Even though you say he is laid back and does not have the same work ethic as you, this maybe misguided assumptions on your part. I’m not saying he is not due for good ear bashing if he is moaning about being broke and unemployable but you should try considering what he is dealing with.
I agree he could have made more of an effort to be pleased for you. If your man says he loves you then your success should be his too. However it’s still early days in your relationship and he maybe feeling like he is not worthy or needed when you offer to pay for meals.
My advice is to calm down on the ‘acting like the man’. He may feel bad he can’t afford a meal. If you take time to talk to him and listen you can figure out if he is lazy or genuinely going through a bad patch.
Do you know much about his working history? Has it always been like this? Try not to give him advice on what he should be doing unless he asks, let him see you have faith in what he is doing if he appears to be genuinely getting work.
He may not work the same way as you but at least show that you believe in what he is doing. What kind of support would you want/need from him if the tables were turned?
Also if you are working as hard as you say you are, then he may feel a bit left out so make an effort to spend more time with him if he is doing the same for you.
You have two choices here as I am not advising you stay if you feel he is not the man you are looking for. You can either take the time to talk to him and figure out what he wants out of life so you can determine if you are both on similar pages of your careers.
You may decide that you need someone who is more ambitious and actively pursuing a solid career. Just make sure if you choose the latter you are not just getting out because it’s tough.
What’s to say when you met him he was successful and then lost his job, would you be too quick to leave if he couldn’t find a job within a certain time frame?
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All the best.
SassyChic!
Send all your relationship & Love probs to me via [email protected]
as for guys……….why do we always behave like this eeh?? maybe he thinks the girl will dictate the pace of the relatnshp now that she’s earning more than him. if the girl is the humble type, he has nothing to worry about . read “MEN are from MARS & WOMEN are from VENUS” & u’ll understand. you always trying to help makes him feel like he’s not CAPABLE of anything and it afects his self-esteem. ladies always wants to help …. & dat is wat guys dont seem to buy. we always wanna feel like we in control. i am an ENGINEER & my girl is a MEDICAL DOCTOR but we try to understand eachoda evendoe she sometimes feels………….. just dot act BOSSY over him. with time time, he’ll come to cherish the fat that all you wanted to do was to stetch forth a helping hand & nothing else.
wow @paapa jay, you get some good points here. But the thing is that won’t change..sadly. Lots of guys still have that notion of beihg ”in charge” and getting to take care of their woman so when that’s not going so well they seem to think things are falling apart. Well in the relationship she is basically the breadwinner so how would things go when the guy is at his lowest in his career?
gud advice sassychic…but guys koraa why…if the person iznt working they claim such pple are too dependent…if u get one gainfully employed too…soso wahala…asem ben koraa ni33