We all have a tinge of people pleasing in us. Almost all of us(will) try to please someone at a point in our lives , sometimes just to be in the good books of people or in few circumstances, we do it in the hope of getting a favour back in return from them someday – if and when the need arises. Some of us go out of our way to be nice or help others, because we feel like it’s the right thing to do or it’s a ‘moral obligation’ to help others – we can’t say no, and terribly afraid of offending others.

Most people who are people pleasers actually do so because they want to be liked – and usually they want to be respected along with this. However the reality is often unfortunately that they in fact lose respect from being so giving. People see people pleasers as pushovers, as doormats and as people with no backbone. Thus they will tend not to think highly of them, or to respect them.

Some people don’t set out to be ‘a’ person pleaser, but they get into relationships/friendships with people who notice where their weaknesses lie and take advantage of that. Their weakness may be that they have low self-esteem, they depend on others for their happiness and they have low/loss of confidence and the fear of being alone. This means they have to bend over backwards to be compliant and accommodating in their relationships due to the fear that the slightest disagreement will cause the people to leave them – to break off their relationship or friendship and that this will then leave them on your own. They become too tuned into the feelings of the other and can’t stand the thought of upsetting them.

Other people please for their own selfish ways (manipulation and arm twisting) – people in this category use ‘mean’ ways to get what they want. Their pleasing is just a window dressing to hide their real self. After they please you and you fall for it – then they show their real self. They use what they know best to get attention and maybe affection. A people pleaser can’t resist flattery…and manipulative people know how to use flattery very well – actually they have PhD in flattery.

Being a people pleaser may feel nice because it makes you feel appreciated and loved all the time. And as long as you’re getting those compliments, you may not think twice about bending over backwards for anyone but some people have bent backwards so much for people (and very unfortunately, people who are not worth the bother) to the extent that they’ve changed their ‘pose’ from backward bending to forward bending (useless compromises) and the person they expect to straighten them is not even taking any notice that his/her help is needed.

Pleasing people is like revving your engine but really not going anywhere. The more you rev the engine, the more fuel you burn and the more money you waste. The people we try so hard to please are people we expect to change their attitude of acceptance towards us – big mistake; a people pleaser is the one that needs attitudinal change.

Stop the pleasing to feel wanted, needed and appreciated – learn to let people down, say no and mean it, do things you’d love to do – not what undeserving people expect you to do, know when to walk from ‘parasitic and toxic’ relationships, break the cycle and cut the leaches who take advantage of your generosity and sensitivity.

On the surface, the need/want to please people is very admirable and pleasant. However, as with anything, pleasing should only be in moderation, and if you find yourself aiming to please to an excessive degree then you are going to be damaging yourself because excessive pleasing is a disease which can become an addiction that eventually results in neglecting your own needs and wants, and ironically losing the respect of the people you are trying to please.

Psychologically, it’s not healthy because you constantly suppress your views and desires. You are constantly burying anger, frustration, sadness etc. rather than expressing it and those emotions are never dealt with properly or healthily. Your frequent people pleasing may be done with good intentions but some good intentions can ruin your life.

If you have to please in relationships because you feel the other person has many options or treat you like an option, instead of trying to please the person to be the ‘favourite’, you’re better off removing yourself from the equation – so they can narrow their choices. Pleasing is not always the best answer.