Inspired by an article I read this morning on Washington Post, I’ve decided to look at this seemingly absurd but reoccurring question that most women have had to answer one way or the other.
The author of the Washington Post article claims she jilted her boyfriend because he was intimated by her sexual history—which he himself asked to know.
And I believe I am not the only woman who can relate to this, at least to the fact that men cunningly would ask this question to establish in their minds either you are a slut or not.
Mostly, the question is clothed like it’s just an unimportant question, an innocuous interest in your past: something like, “so how many men have you been with baby”.
The smart men do not jump straight to that, they may ask out closely related questions like when did you break your virginity or when was the last time you had sex—and then finally drop that mind deal breaker question.
As a woman, I’ve had to answer this question so much that I’ve rehearsed a perfect answer, ready to serve it to whoever would ask it.
And if you are dating an African man, I can guarantee you sooner or later, it will sail smoothly through the conversation. Of course some of these men are mature enough not to dwell on the answer but many do.
When such a question is asked, you are mostly cornered as any answer wouldn’t be satisfactory, as long as you are a not a virgin. Mention that you’ve slept with just one guy and he’s not going to believe it. Give him the raw number, anything beyond 5 and it’s highly probably you would’t hear from him again.
The most worrying part of this sexual history questioning is when the one asking it and demands that the truth is served cannot take the truth. They most get offended for having been a woman with sexual needs or for having exercised your right to have sex with those you were with, way before them.
It’s pretty absurd that a man whom you’ve met in your mid 30s or late 20s would expect that you shouldn’t have had any sexual partners before him. And even if you did, you should have denied them sex— when he wouldn’t take it if you decide to deny him access, until marriage or whatever.
What’s even more annoying is, throw back the same question to the man who just asked this and he would tell you he can’t remember or it’s not really necessary.
Even if he throws a huge number like 50 into the conversation, it wouldn’t matter much—-because, I am the one he’s with now and if those people were that great, important or deserved him, he would have been seated here right now with them and not me. That’s what most of us tell ourselves.
Yet, any answer a woman accords this question is more likely to cause chaos and lead to an incessant fight or the man hatching some sluttish thoughts about her.
Perhaps, this confirms that the long detested notion that a woman ought to keep her body for a special man while the man can play all around irresponsibly and still deserves to have that untouched woman is firmly in place.
For me, whenever I am asked the question-how many men have you been with, I say: it’s none of your business—my past is what has made me who I am today such that you claim to want or love so respect it and let it be in the past.
As a sexual libertarian, my number is hight and I am proud of it. Though I don’t care about what a man would think, I don’t even keep count of this sort of human fun such that I should later be compelled to accurately account for every name or person who slept with me, including those who couldn’t even pleasure me.
The truth is, if a man is more interested in your past than your present and future with him, then maybe, he deserves to be in past. So just drop him there and move on to that person who will appreciate the fact that you are who you are today because of your collection of past experiences, including those who rocked the boat, before him.