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Kwame Yeboah Writes: A Letter to President John Dramini Mahama–Lord Paper Has Big Balls + Why Have You Become A Cult Figure When It Comes to Corruption?

President Mahama
President Mahama

Dear John,

Last week, a friend sent me a link to a video on youtube. I clicked on the link only to be informed that the video had been taken down for what they deemed ‘its sexually graphic nature’. Johnny, we have been friends for a while and  I am sure you know ‘sexually graphic’ is of course something that  will tickle my interest. I swore to watch this video at all cost. I jumped onto Facebook and quickly began searching the ‘walls’ of friends whom I knew shared common interest.

It didn’t take me too long to locate my long sought treasure. And boy was I impressed! I will want to spare you the content of the video, but please, next time you are scheduling a meeting with stakeholders in the music industry don’t forget to invite an up and coming artist who goes by the name Lord Paper. The guy has really big balls and he only needs someone to massage his talent so his career can reach an orgasm.

Just when I was about signing out of Facebook, I came across an article that had been shared by MyJoyOnline.Com. In the said article, President Kufour, in response to a question posed by a gentleman, tried so hard to explain what he meant by his infamous ‘ corruption is as old as Adam’ statement. He said: “…Eve came around to the Garden of Eden with all the beauty that God created her from Adam’s own rib.

So the serpent came to Eve and convinced her that the fruit was the fruit of wisdom and that the old man (God) doesn’t want Adam to be wise so she convinced Adam to taste it and see; that is where man fell”.

He went further to explain “…..and so when anybody tells you that corruption was there from Adam, that person is not really endorsing corruption; no. The person is rather reminding you to go back to history and see how our forbearer Adam fell so you become wiser not to go that way…”

In my opinion, Mr. Kufour’s answer was all over the place. Poor guy, he can’t even enjoy his retirement. But  it actually got me thinking. If indeed it is true that corruption started from Adam as Mr. Kufour wants us to believe, then you Johnny have a lot of explanation to do.

Johnny, please be honest with me. Did you ever live in the Garden of Eden?  Isn’t it possible that you were around when Lucifer was drawing up his strategic plan on how he was going to ask Eve to convince her husband into eating from the forbidden fruit? I am certain to a large extent that you assisted  Lucifer in preparing the Power Point slides that  formed the basis  for  the biggest corruption scandal in the history of mankind.

To be frank with you my good friend,  I am of the firm belief that you were present in the Garden of Eden, when the events President Kufour mentioned unfolded. You were there,  living in the shadows and secretly learning your trade.  And just as Hon. Oti Bless eluded the Judges in the ‘Montie’ case, you also miraculously escaped the attention of whoever recollected events in the Garden of Eden when the Bible was being compiled. You may have fooled them, but you certainly will not fool me. 

My dear friend, it has become apparent to me that whenever we have a discussion about corruption, you are quick to point out  that the previous NPP regime and other regimes for that matter were even more corrupt. Historically, maybe you are not wrong. When it comes to corruption, Ghana has a very rich history, even by African standards. We were all in this country when a ship load of oil was commandeered by captain Jack Sparrow and his tuft of kooky pirates. The content of the ship was offloaded onto the ‘Black Pearl’ and the pirates set sail into the seas of hollywood, never to be seen again. Equally alarming is the case of a minister who is alleged to have turned his bedroom into a savings and loans, keeping huge  sums of government money under his bed.

Johnny, all these facts notwithstanding, I think you have become some sort of a cult figure when it comes to corruption. You sure are putting your expertise from the Garden of Eden into good use. Your name has become synonymous with corruption. So much so that when people enter the word ‘corruption’ in a google search bar, your name pops up, isn’t that funny ?

And even funnier was how you fumbled on the BBC when a simple question about whether you have ever been bribed or not was put to you. First I noticed how you began to sweat profusely like you were wearing General Mosquito’s infamous coat in the Dubai desert. Then your hands began to shake relentlessly like you had just been hit by a chronic bout of ‘kpokpogligli’. Then finally you composed yourself , and when we all  thought you were going to say an emphatic NO!, you rather awkwardly asked the host if he was asking whether you have ever been bribed as a president. Really John?  No,  he was  actually asking you whether you took a bribe when you were drawing the ‘dumsor’ timetable whiles you worked for the ECG.

Aside the fact that you have made corruption the most attractive trade in Ghana ( maybe Sakawa aside ), you have also made it look very sexy. Yes my good friend, sexy!! As sexy as watching  Kim Kardashian give his husband  Kanye West a lap dance . There is nothing sexier than watch a bunch of SADA guinea fowls fly across the Burkina Faso border, ideally on a full moon, and preferably with your girlfriend. In these hard times when even Doves can’t fly, this must be an experience fit for kings and queens. 

Can you imagine walking along the Rawlings park on a hot afternoon, and you have the opportunity to see the celebrated artist -Selassie Ibrahim at work. Busily painting buses, clad in her iconic white smarty t-shirt and pink mini skirt? That obviously is a sight that will make Papa J speak impeccable Twi.

Can you imagine being picked up on a date by Victoria Hammer , with all her gargantuan goods, in a brand new Ford Expedition on valentine’s day to a coded location? That is the kind of date that could make Bishop Obinim shout hallelujah ! hallelujah!  one million times.

You see Jonny, the sexiness aside, corruption in your government has been rather pronounce and in some cases ridiculously embarrassing. Do you remember the role you played in the $88 million Embraer Jet scandal? The one that nearly got you in trouble with your then boss, Attah Mills? I remember you came running to my house one night sweating like a lady who just broke her water, very much scared of the outcome of the committee that was being set up by the then President Mills.

I remember you came running to my house one night sweating like a lady who just broke her water, very much scared of the outcome of the committee that was being set up by the then President Mills.

Do you remember how upset you were on the phone the day you claimed the Koreans had been stupid enough to admit in open court that they spent $10 million dollars to ‘facilitate’ the STX Korea deal? A deal you admit you personally negotiated and was deeply worried because fingers will be pointed directly at you.

Johnny if I may ask, what did you do with your share of the money that was accrued  on the $250 million dollars treasury bills that you and Seth bought at UBA? You remember the money you said was deducted from the $1billion  dollars  euro bond? And when I complained, you told me there was nothing wrong with it because after all you will return the money to the Bank Of Ghana after 6 moths when the treasury bill matures. What did you do with all that money ? You bought another house in Dubai I lie?

Anyway Johnny , I have to go now, I have a meeting with Professor Martey at his Trassaco Valley residence at 8pm.

Maybe if I share my discovery about events in the Garden of Eden with him, he will be willing to mention the name of  the politician who tried to bribe him. And I honestly hope that it is not you. 

Article was written by Kwame Yeboah for GhanaCelebrities.Com



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